Bad Blogger, No Cookie!

Wow, I am just failing at the blogging lately. I blame my "monthly visitor" for this most recent transgression. I always feel so blah the first 2 days or so. I did get a lot done on Monday and Tuesday though. I didn't wake up as early as I would have liked either day, but stuff happens.

Monday I was going to get up early, but I like to wait for our roommate to leave for work before I leave my room. He didn't know I no longer have a job and I didn't realize he took the day off, so I fell back to sleep while waiting for him to not leave. Classic. I got up around 9 or so and did yoga but really felt like I was starting the day late. I just feel like I don't get anything done when I get up that late. I did manage to make regular bread, hummus, baba ganoush, and pita bread all before S got home. I had defrosted some of the random soups that were in the freezer and mixed them together with left over brown rice and some extra broth for dinner. We had it with some of the regular bread, it was very tasty.

Tuesday I was going to get up when S got up, but thought maybe I would just sleep for a few minutes more. Again got up too late. Seriously, I just don't feel like I get enough time in the day when I sleep in and when I do wake up the second time I am all groggy and out of sorts. I pulled myself together and got up and did yoga. After yoga I decided to walk to the Shaw's in Porter Square. We were out of all-purpose bread flour and regular all-purpose flour and I needed molasses to make bran muffins later. That plaza roughly 1.6 miles from the house. I decided to stop in at Cambridge Naturals as well since it is right in that plaza. They have so many awesome herbs and seasonings in bulk. I tried to stick to my list, but couldn't resist rose and jasmine and some amazing smoked sea salt. I also got some of their amazing home made crystallized ginger. It tastes almost like jellied candy. It is so good. Got what I needed at the grocery store and made the trek home. The weather was very nice, but I need to start bringing my back pack on excursions like that as my shoulders were very sore from having the weight distributed awkwardly between my two bags.

When I got home I made myself an amazing lunch. I microwaved some fresh Brussels Sprouts and mixed in a chopped avocado, some balsamic vinegar, some pepper, and some of the smoked sea salt. I ate it with one of my fresh pitas and OMFG it was so amazing. Why haven't I done that before???? I puttered around the house while waiting for S to get home because it was already pretty late in the day. We had a very tasty dinner of oven roasted potatoes, fresh snow peas, and swordfish that I seasoned with olive oil, garlic, fresh lemon, smoked sea salt and pepper. I cooked it slightly on the rare side. It was amazing. After dinner I made cashew cream for the fruit salad that S and I made on Monday. Cashew cream is just basically blending roughly a cup of cashews and a cup of soaked dates with the soaking liquid until a creamy consistency. It's almost like a loose whipped cream, but is so so so tasty and so good for you. While S gamed I made some pretty tasty bran muffins that are UBER healthy. No oil and only 1/4 cup of molasses as sweetener. Mmm, but the raisin medley we got at BJ's really makes them. Before bed I made myself a tea to help with my "visitor". Mugwort, skullcap, and cramp bark. It seemed to help and I went and crashed out when S was done gaming.

Weekend Recap

I just couldn't motivate myself to post this weekend. I am not really sure why. I think I was too busy just being with S. There is also an awful lot going on in my head that I am trying to sort out. Who knew that making the decision to stop drinking/smoking and go sober would affect me so profoundly?? We went to S's parents' house for his step-sister's birthday dinner. It was nice although I ate entirely too much. Perhaps I didn't need that second cupcake. Oh well, I blame PMS and lack of sugar from alcohol for that. After the dinner we headed home by way of Trader Joe's. I am so in love with that store and have been since I went for the first time to the one in Framingham about 14 years ago. They were awesome then and they are awesome now. S and I got 3 bags full of groceries for around $50. The stuff is always top quality as well, which makes me very very happy.

When we finally got home we put everything away and cuddled on the couch for a bit. I was still pretty down in the head from earlier in the day. It's really hard to figure things out in my head now. I am not sure what's real and what's left over from the past. I'm also having a problem with the idea of going out as well. We were supposed to go to a party at a friend's house about an hour away on Saturday and when we went to bed Friday night I was still feeling so blah and blue, S asked me if I still wanted to go and I burst into tears. I really really didn't want to go and be surrounded by everyone getting hammered and smoking and all that, but I really didn't want S to miss out because he had really wanted to go. Ugh, I felt like such an asshole. I cried while S held me for awhile. I just don't know what I like and what's been programmed into me all these years. He is very understanding. After I cried I felt better. Especially after telling S that I just wasn't sure about so much that it made it very confusing as to what was real in my head and what wasn't. S and I talked for awhile and he said that he never wanted me to do anything that I didn't want to. I told him that we could play the party by ear.

Saturday we got up and had mango berry smoothies, coffee, and the rest of the Russian poppy seed cake, then proceeded to run errands. We went to BJ's in Natick and stocked up on paper goods and dried fruits and nuts and a bunch of other stuff. We also got a steam cleaner for the floors. We are hoping that it can conquer the kitchen floor which is ABSOFREAKINLUTELY disgusting. Grr. After BJ's we went to Joan and Ed's deli because S had never been there before. I got Matzhoh Ball soup and a Jewish pupu platter (Kishka, Knish, and Latke) and S got a very yummy Reuben. S tried to decide if we should try to finish the rest of the errands or just go home. Running the rest of the errands won out. We stopped and Super 88 and got some produce and other staples, the we stopped at Johnnie's Ghettomaster and got the last things we needed.

We got home and put everything away and S decided he was just too beat to go to the party, which was doubly fine with me as I had been wrestling with a stress headache all day from being upset Friday night. S and I went to Home Depot to see if he could get more wire for a project he is working on, then we went to pick up some good beer for beer bread and on the way home I was hit with bread inspiration!! We had picked up some Dubliner cheese at BJ's and some scallions at Super 88. Woot, cheddar scallion whole wheat beer bread made with Guinness. So so good and made the house smell delectable. That's actually what we ended up having for dinner, which was totally fine as we had kind of stuffed ourselves at Joan and Ed's. We cuddled on the couch for a while after that and then went to bed.

I woke up before S Sunday morning and crawled out of bed to start a loaf of yummy breakfast beer bread. Whole wheat oat with nutmeg, cinnamon, and raisins. It made the house smell awesome. I love beer breads, they mix up in no time, only take 45 minutes to bake, and there is no raising time. It's more like a batter, but the bread is amazing. LOL it's the only thing we buy alcohol for now! After I put the bread in I went back for more snuggles with S in bed. Finally we got up and had yerba mate Bengal spice tea and the fresh bread spread with cream cheese. Om nom nom!!!! Of course we had forgotten to get wheat germ for making granola in our travels, so we decided to enjoy the lovely weather and walk to Whole Foods to take advantage of their bulk department. It was an absolutely fabulous walk and even though Whole Foods was a mob scene we managed to get in and out pretty quickly with only what we had come for. AMAZING!

When we got home S started on some Chinese style Superior broth, which basically just used all the bones and veggie scraps we had in the freezer along with some tricks from his favourite Chinese cookbook. We both had some of the left over cheddar scallion bread with Russian cheese for a snack and, unfortunately, my right jaw muscle started to shoot searing pains from my jaw down my neck. I could only chew on the left side and only very very slowly. This used to happen all the time but had stopped for years. S thinks it's stress related because of all the changes. We then started laundry and then sat on the couch and I tried to relax. I was still hungry so I made some popcorn and succeeded in eating it by letting each kernel soften in my mouth on the left side before trying to eat it. Finally I succumbed and took some ibuprofen to see if that would help my jaw. It seemed to do the trick so at least I could eat a bit easier when it was time for dinner. I just threw all the leftovers from the chicken dinner we had last week into a pan with a bit of broth to heat up and we had it over brown rice. It was so so so good! I ate waaay too many sweets though, between Russian wafer cookies, Easter candy, caramel mousse and Nilla wafers. Ugh. At least we went for another walk after dinner. We were pretty beat from all the fresh air and walking, so we went to bed around 10. When we got up this morning it was snowing again. Grrr. Oh well at least we got to take advantage of the nice weather yesterday.

Oops, Missed a Day

I never got around to yoga Wednesday night. I was in a weird head space and feeling very bitchy and just wanted to sit with S. He picked me up on the way home which was nice. When we got home I made an avocado dip with an avocado that was about to go over, the juice of 1/2 a lemon, salt, chipoltle (see a theme in my food???), and scallions. S forgot to pick up some wholegrain chips, so we ended up eating the dip with ruffles potato chips. Okay so only sort of healthy there. Oh well. I guess I didn't feel so bad about the chips because someone at work sensed my bitchy PMSing mood and gave me a small chocolate croissant from the bakery across the street. Soooo good. But alas, not healthy. To try and redeem ourselves, S made a roast chicken smeared with Earth Balance mixed with herbs and garlic and I cut up beets, sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts and threw them in the pan with the chicken. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Yesterday I definitely ate waaaaaaay too much. I had two of my yummy muffins and an orange for breakfast. I then proceeded to snack on wasabi flavoured shrimp crackers until they brought lunch in. Lunch was from Panera bread. I had a plate of salad with one of their sourdough rolls and italian dressing, 1/2 a roast beef asiago sandwich with chips and a pickle, and then, 1 and 1/2 of their chocolate white chocolate chip cookies. Waaaaaayyyy too much already, right? I brought some of the leftover rolls home for S, and I had another one of those before we went to dinner with a cup of tea. Then we went to the Russian store in Allston. I didn't eat anything there, but we got some very very yummy treats. Then we went to Shabu Shabu Toki. We had the seafood. OMG so good and healthy, but I ate waayy too much. Then when we got home I had a cup of Anise tea for digestion and just had to try the black sesame seed cake from the Russian store. So good, but I was about dead after that. Just enough room to drink some prune juice for results in the morning.

I was in a bad head space again last night when going to bed. It's still hanging over me a bit this morning. I just don't feel right. I am having a hard time getting excited about anything. I wanted a cigarette most of the day yesterday and again today. I am really having a hard time maneuvering life with out my crutches from before. I don't plan on going back to them, of course, but I used alcohol and nicotine in so many situations for so long that I don't have any reference point on how to live and enjoy my life without them. I used to only get excited to hove a smoke or a drink. Now I am not sure what to get excited for or even how. I get excited to see S to a point, but then my head is so messed up right now I feel like I am not there which is terribly unfair to him and to me. I know I need to be patient with myself. I have been screwing with myself for the last 20 years. It's like I pushed myself under the rug for the last twenty years and now that I am out I have no idea what happened or how to deal with any of it. I think being let go from this position for awhile and having some time to myself will help a lot. I feel like I really need to think and heal and just be for a bit. School will be good, as will being home to cook and clean and organise. Maybe in those activities I can begin to sort out this head of mine. Starting to work out everyday will help a ton as well. Rawr.

It is Cold Out There . . .

To finish out my meals yesterday, I ate the left over soup from the night before. With this I had two slices of my yummy home made bread slightly toasted for dipping. I also had a pluot (a cross between a plum and an apricot, very tasty) and a banana. Then for snack S and I had chipoltle popcorn when I got home. We make it ourselves so it has almost no calories and lots of fiber. For dinner I made an eggplant tofu stir fry with lots of vegetables over brown rice and while S gamed I baked whole wheat nectarine 5 spice yogurt muffins. OMG so good. We each had one and then split one more before bread.

Fruity Whole Wheat Yogurt Muffins (Basic recipe adapted from Recipezaar)

1 C Whole wheat flour
1 C All purpose flour
1/2 C Sugar
1 t Baking Powder
1 C Yogurt
1/4 C or so of Soy milk
1 Egg
1 t Vanilla
4 T Oil
2 C Fruit
Spices if you like

(Makes 12)

Preheat oven to 350 and grease muffin tin. Combine dry ingredients. Combine wet ingredients except fruit. mix dry and wet and fruit until just mixed. Batter will be very thick. Spoon into tin and bake 25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool on rack. Enjoy


WARNING - BODY TALK AHEAD!!!

I have not had a BM since Monday night. This is very frustrating as part of the reason I did the cleanse in the first place was to reset my digestive system. I guess I shouldn't get too frustrated as it probably takes a few days for the system to re-normalize. I have been passing gas fine so I can't be that blocked up. I am sure it will work itself out eventually. I just feel a teeny bit bloaty.

It is freezing out today. I am very much ready for it to be spring. I had another grapefruit for breakfast this morning. That with my morning tea and a nectarine muffin made me wish I was sitting outside in a warm sunbeam. Oh well, soon enough I am sure.

So for food so far today I have had 2 of my nectarine muffins (they are very small), a grapefruit, a cup of wakame broth, some dates, about a half cup of cucumber/daikon/carrot salad with sesame-soy dressing, and leftover stir fry over brown rice. I have to try and get yoga in tonight and the next two mornings. Yoga took a back seat with the cleanse because I didn't feel up to it. Now that I am eating again I need to hit the mat! I won't be able to do it the next two evenings, because Thursday S and I are having a date night and going to Shabu Toki and Friday we are going to T's birthday dinner at his family's house so there won't be any time. So I have to get up with S and get myself through a class.

Day Nine (Not Really)

So after much soul searching and debate yesterday I decided to break my fast and stop the cleanse. Too many negative emotions were being dragged up for me to deal with and I had been in a very very bad funk since Friday night. Nothing I tried helped to pull me up out of the funk. I also found out yesterday that the mortgage company where I am temping as a receptionist is moving me to on-call status as of Monday of next week. Basically they are letting me go because business is slower than they thought it would be. But if it gets busy they will call me. They have free lunches on Thursday. So perhaps the smallest reason I stopped this cleanse is because I want to take advantage of a last free lunch. Being let go was definitely the straw that broke the camels back for me concerning the cleanse though.

I don't feel bad about stopping short of the ten day mark, because I made it farther than I did last time and that in and of itself is an accomplishment. I also realized that I have a lot of emotional baggage that I need to work on. I have a lot of demons in my closet that I need to face and get rid of or accept and move on. Being let go will give me the time I need to accomplish that, as well as work on my goals. I will also have a good amount of time for school. I will be able to do my Yoga teacher training sooner rather than later so that I can start teaching sooner. I will also be able to do work study at The Arlington Center so I can take some classes there. I am not upset at being let go, but I was just getting used to the idea of getting paid again. I will definitely be doing cleanses/fasts more often. Most likely juice fasts with bentonite clay. I am going to make sure that I use my free time to best of my abilities. I want to be a good house-frau for S as well as being good to myself and following my dreams. I am very fortunate to have been given this opportunity to do what I actually want to do. I am not going to waste it!

Yesterday I drank the lemonade until I got home and then proceeded to have 4 pieces of celery with some of S's homemade peanut sauce and a piece of my homemade bread. It took me about an hour to eat them and they were so good. After that had started to digest I went to make soup. I surveyed our ingredients and decided that I would make Italian White Bean and Spinach soup mostly because we had spinach and a bunch of fresh basil. Here is a basic recipe. I don't really measure when I cook, so hopefully you can follow along.

Italian White Bean and Spinach Soup

3 Small onions chopped
3 Carrots sliced into disks
3-4 Cloves of garlic minced
4 Stalks of celery sliced
3 Medium - small potatoes diced
8 Cups of broth or water - your choice
1 Can of small white beans - again, your choice, make sure they are rinsed well
1/2 bunch spinach - trimmed
As much fresh basil as you want - minced
2 Scallions - chopped
A bit of dried oregano
Salt and pepper to taste
A bit of Chipoltle or other spicy pepper ( I like Chipoltle because it brings a smokiness to the soup without adding bacon or other pork products)

Saute the onions, carrots, and celery over med-high heat until they begin to sweat and soften. Add the garlic, oregano, and chipoltle and cook until fragrant. Add broth, beans and potatoes and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 20 -30 minutes. Add spinach, basil, and scallions and simmer until wilted. Salt and pepper to taste. Serve with Parmesan cheese to top, or if you are being healthy, you can use nutritional yeast which is what I do. I love it's cheesy flavour and it's vitamin B benefits. This soup is great with a nice sour dough bread for dipping in the tasty broth.

I had 2 very small bowls probably just enough to equal one whole bowl. It was such amazing soup. I also had about 4 Vinta crackers which are just about my favourite crackers on the whole planet besides Akmak. That is until I start making my own, which I plan to do starting this weekend. My goal is to make everything I can within reason. Crackers, pita bread, regular bread, granola, broth, chips . . . you name it, I want to figure out how to make it myself. It will be much healthier and cheaper. S and I want to get away from all processed food and try to eat as healthy as possible. More fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains and healthy meats and lots of fish. I am also going to use this journal to keep track of what I eat and the recipes I use.

So far this morning I have had a whole grapefruit, 1/4 cup of angel hair with peanut sauce, and 2 cups (from 1 tea bag) Mayan Cocoa Spice tea with Stevia. Yummy. Yesterday I weighed 134.4, let's see what eating healthy and working out can do to that.

Day Eight (In which Veronica is Back at Work)

For some reason when I have to work, my body wakes me up around 3 or 4 or 5 to go pee. Then I have a hard time falling back to sleep immediately. Grrrrr. I feel a little bit better about the cleanse this morning, although I am VERY ready for it to be over. I know it's good for me and I know detoxing (especially in my case) is very necessary, but I didn't realize how emotional I would be and how frustrated I would be about not being able to eat or do a lot of other things. It makes me feel like I am being a big baby.

S has been so supportive. He constantly reminds me gently that I really want to finish this, and that I needed to do it to get the gunk out, and that it's just a few more days. And he's right as he often is. After today I only have 2 more days and then I can start transitioning back to a healthy diet. Thursday is just a couple of days away. There is a lot of gunk coming out, that's for sure. I was so tired over the weekend though, and that's hard because I really want to be completely present with any and all time that I get with S. I feel like it was a wasted weekend.

In other news I am down to 134.4! woot?

Day 7 -Quick Recap

Today sucked almost as bad as yesterday. S is very supportive, thank goddess. I want food. I hate this cleanse. This cleanse is fired. I am continuing on. 3 days left. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Day Seven (In Which Veronica Hopes Things Will be Better)

Yesterday was hard. I had 3 more BMs after I wrote my last post yesterday afternoon. Acidy burny ones with even some solid bits. I finally managed to clean the tub and took an Epsom salt bath. It felt so good. I didn't want to get out. I think I soaked for 45 minutes. I wasn't as emotional after the bath, but I was still feeling kind of crappy. Sat on the couch with S as he perused the interwebs and I started to read The New Optimum Nutrition Bible by Patrick Holford. It's very interesting so far. Had some very strange dreams last night, and I realised that all of my dreams have an apocalyptic background and have for a long time. I need to get to the bottom of that. Even what should be happy dreams have a background of destruction, danger, and death. That can't be healthy.

I sincerely hope that today will be better than yesterday. I am still super tired and had a fairly productive SWF this morning. I need to make sure that I drink plenty of lemonade today as I don't think I drank enough yesterday. It's going to be hard for the next 24 hours because we are expecting upwards of 15 inches of snow to hit the area. Normally I make roasts and things when it's going to snow, but alas, not today. I do have to make bread for S though. Mmm bread. All food sounds so good right now. I really miss it. M is coming over to watch Carnivale so that will be a little distracting which will be good for a bit of a distraction except I won't be able to have snax with them. Meh.

Only three more days after today. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Day 6 - Sux Balls

Can I just say I hate today??? Today must be an emotional detox day for me or something. I am irritable and sad. S is making something that smells yummy. He said he was going to make dumplings earlier. I love dumplings. I actually did cry a bit. I am hating life. I feel so deprived and left out. I hate that. And I am totally doing it to myself, so WTF!! I am also freezing. We got some Epsom Salts and I am trying to convince myself that I should get up and clean the tub and take a bath and I will feel a bunch better, but I am so cold I am having a hard time convincing myself. Part of me just wants to go to bed for the rest of the weekend and sleep, but I don't want to leave S all by himself. It would be selfish because he wants to spend time with me even if I am feeling like a total bitch.

Ugh, I am so sick of this!!! I hate detox days, I really do. Sure, I am a big freakin' baby.

Day Six (In Which Veronica Gets to Sleep)

My apologies for not posting last night. I was simply too tired when I got home. I made some lemonade and proceeded to be a total lump on the couch. S made himself a deconstructed sushi dinner which looked amazing. He had sushi rice in a bowl with some Wakami Furikake (dried seaweed rice seasoning) on top with some avocado and sushi grade tuna on the side. It looked so good and I was so tired, I just wanted to cry. I was strong however, and stuck with my lemonade.

S was sweet enough to make the bed while I had my smooth move tea which I had steeped for a couple of extra minutes. As soon as I was done drinking it I crawled in bed and was asleep before 10. S's phone rang at 11:30 and woke me up, but I had to go pee anyway so it was okay. When I got back into bed I had some fairly bad cramps from the tea, but managed to fall back to sleep pretty quickly.

This morning all my suspicions about yesterday being a detox day were confirmed. The tea did it's work and when I did my SWF at 7:30 this morning I had some very good results. I went back to bed after that and proceeded to sleep like a dead thing with only a couple of bathroom visits until 10:30. Then we got up and I started drinking my lemonade. I have grand designs that I will clean the bedroom and a bunch of other stuff, but I am still tired. I feel like I could go back to sleep, but I know that I must just be detoxing, so I am going to listen to what my body needs and try to keep it low key today. I have reading and stuff to do, so I am all bundled up on the couch under a blanket next to S who is being crafty with a coat and metal bits. Mmm, lazy Saturday.

Day 5 - The Ongoing Saga

The tiredness has not let up. All I want to do is sit on the couch under a blanket. The cravings keep coming and going so apparently Day 5 is a big detox day for me. I seem to be having tiny bursts where I feel great and have resolve, but for the most part today I have just wanted food. I know it's not an option. I do not want to let myself down, but I hate hate hate the feeling of being deprived of food. I know it is only psychological, but it certainly sucks.

I am going to skip yoga tonight and just go home make the bed and then get comfy clothes on. Make some lemonade and curl up on the couch. I think that is all I am up for today.

Today has had a lot of introspection as well as the other detox symptoms. I think I need to work on forgiving myself for things that have happened in the past. I also don't miss drinking alcohol at all. I am looking forward to experiencing the club and parties and things without it. That is very strange for me, but very important as well. I don't miss anything other than eating. I have never felt like that before. Times, they are a-changing!

Day Five (In Which Veronica is Dragging)

I promise I will stop with the (un)catchy bylines as soon as this cleanse is over. I'll have better post titles. Really. I will.

I slept pretty well last night until I woke up at 5:00 to go pee. I dozed until S's alarm went off and then downed my SWF at 6:16. Dozed again until about 6:40 then had to go. Thought I was doing fine so went back to doze until 7. Well apparently that was not in the cards, because as soon as I dozed off I had a little accident. I mean VERY small, but enough to make me levitate out of the bed and to the bathroom. Argh, that hasn't happened before. Oh well, it was really no big deal to clean up. Guess I need to be more careful with the SWF in the future. Now we will have clean sheets, LOL.

I managed to keep up with my dry skin brushing (DSB) and my Neti Pot this morning. I wonder if the DSB is kicking my detox up a notch? Because I am very glad it's Friday as I am beat today. I am just dragging. I could go back to sleep right now with no problem at all. I am very ready for the weekend to let my body detox in peace and comfort. I am excited to just relax before school starts as well because this is probably my last weekend to relax the whole time. Next weekend is the party at the Phatty house and the weekend after that is XMortis Apocalypse. Then classes start. Whew.

I have some stuff that I need to do like organize my bookshelves and perhaps put some clothes away that don't fit me right now. Oh, and I need to finish S and my filing before school starts for sure as I do not want to have to deal with disorganisation while studying. That will drive me crazy. At least the taxes are done.

I have been craving food all morning. I really want a good Everything bagel, toasted, with Smoked Salmon cream cheese. Or anything right now really. I think it's because I am tired. I want to go take a nap, but alas, that is not in the cards. Oh well. Maybe later. Oh I am so looking forward to curling up under a blanket and reading or knitting or colouring. Yes I said colouring. I still love to colour and probably always will.

Day 4 - Sleepy girl!!

I called my dad on the walk home for work. He actually reads my blog!! Woot. He is very excited that I am going back to school to complete what I started and I am too. I sent in the rest of my paper work and first payment and filled out my military scholarship application. Hopefully in a week or two I will have all my materials for my first class!!

When I got home I was spacey but good. Had a really good yoga session with a lot of hip openers and it felt great. Steven made some sort of steak stir-fry goulash thing that smelled fabulous, but unlike yesterday I just enjoyed smelling it. I really didn't want it. Yes, it would have been nice to eat, but I seem to be able to overcome my moments of weakness faster today. Hopefully tomorrow will be even easier.

Made my normal lemonade after yoga and had a glass after. I am now just sitting having my Smooth Move tea. Soon to bed for one of S's patented amazing backrubs!!

Day 4 - Continued

It was free lunch day here at the office. I knew it was going to be. Every Thursday is. I thought I would be okay because it was Papa Gino's which is gross as we all know. It smelled so good though. So good. I didn't have any of course. I am not going to let myself down on day 4. or any of the days for that matter. It is very important that I do this. I have tried it 2 other times and stopped early. Someone on one of the Master Cleanse boards wrote something along the lines of:

"If you quit doing something you've challenged your self to do it creates a groove in your brain and you are more likely to quit other challenges. If you push yourself through and succeed with the challenge, that makes a whole new groove and then you are more likely to succeed."

I probably botched the quote horribly, but that's the gist of it. I like the idea of that. There are so many things in my life that I had set out to do and then quit. I don't like that about myself at all. This cleanse is a way for me to make a new groove. Goddess knows I need it.

At lunch today I opted out of the neighborhood walk as I was so beat last night and I think that was why. Instead I talked to S on the phone for a bit while standing in the relatively warm hall way. We got into a tiff about snack food of all things. I guess talking about food is a bad thing during the cleanse? Maybe not. It turns out S was afraid I was going to go Vegan again. I am not. I am not even going to go pescetarian like I mentioned earlier. I just want to know where my food is coming from. I also want to eat healthy and homemade. I like too many different types of food and it all means too much to me for me to limit myself again. Especially with S and I both cooking so well and so often. I really wish it was next week. Really!

Day Four (In Which Veronica Wears More Clothes)

I slept pretty well last night. I woke up at 5:43 after having a very weird dream about Madonna and I going out clubbing and trashing my grandparent's house when we got back. Apparently we were house sitting in my grandparent's old house in Sherborn. In the dream I was devastated that I had gone out drinking and that I had trashed the house. More that I had gone out drinking though. There was also some sort of strange creature in the basement that I thought was a monster, but it turned out to be friendly. Very strange.

After I woke up I tried to snuggle back to sleep but had to go to the bathroom. When I came back I tried to sleep more but S's alarm went off. So I downed my SWF and cuddled some more. Surprisingly I was awake when S left for work, but I conked right out after that. I didn't wake up until my 7:00 alarm went off, and that was after having gone to bed at 10:00. It was a good thing I got up when I did as the SWF wasn't waiting anymore. I got up and dealt with that, then did my dry brushing and took a lovely shower. After that, I slathered myself with coconut oil as I am wont to do and my skin feels LOVELY!! Now I just need to add my Neti Pot to my routines in the morning and before yoga and I will be fabulous!!

Speaking of Neti Pots, I need to address something here. I had a good sense of smell before I quit smoking. A really good sense of smell. It wasn't as disturbing as my father's but it was up there. I have been smoke free for 11 days now and my sense of smell has increased. Now add this cleanse in and I can smell for miles. Seriously. It's insane. Unfortunately there are some really bad smells in our apartment that I have to encounter and this morning was no different. Ugh. On the plus side I cannot wait to see how food tastes after all this is over!

I have a lot more clothes on today to try and stay warm. Well not a lot more, but hopefully enough. I have tights on under my pants and a camisole under my sweaters. It seems a bit better, but my hands are cold. And I miss food. I really really miss food. It's amazing how often I use it to break up the day. I am stunned how much I miss looking forward to it and smelling it and tasting it. I love that food is such a big part of my life, but I had stopped differentiating between good food and bad food. One of the reasons I am doing this cleanse is to get back to the good food. The healing healthy food. I don't want to be super strict with my diet, but I would like the food that I enjoy to be wholesome and minimally processed. And local when possible. I want to make everything I can from scratch so I know what's in it. Hmm, I miss cooking too.

Erg, 6 days left.

Day 3 - The Final Post

I got home and snuggled with S to further my attempt to get warm. It worked for a bit. Then I made myself do yoga. I was tired, but I persevered. Even in light of the fact that S made a very VERY yummy smelling eggplant lasagna. He used eggplant slices in place of noodles. It looked and smelled FABULOUS even though he said it tasted like crap. Yeah, right. I think he was sparing my feelings.

I called school after yoga to get the final word on payments and things, and that will all be taken care of on Friday. I was/am tired. I had to drag myself into the kitchen to make my juice. Luckily, S came with me to keep me from hurting myself on the juicer. I decided to use limes for tomorrows drinks and he made some crack about lime-aid and ADD or something that made me laugh WAAAAAY more than was warranted. So much so that he started looking at me funny. I suppose that was an emotional detox moment. Either that or I am going crazy.

Now I sit and finish my Smooth Move Tea and then off to get ready for bed and snuggles and sleep!

Day 3 Continued

So I went for a walk around the neighborhood while I talked to S for my lunch break. It was an effort to get warmer and I think it worked for the most part. At least when I got back I was warmer and I haven't gotten really chilled that badly since I have been back. I was a bit hungry and had a slight headache when I got back, but had some water and lemonade and felt better. I am glad I got out and got some exercise! I needed it badly.

I cannot wait to do yoga tonight. My muscles are really tight. Especially my hips and my shoulders. I skipped yoga yesterday to call school and cuddle with S and Monday I taught which means no real yoga for me. Sunday I took off because I was trying to eat myself out of house and home, tee hee. Ugh, I haven't done yoga since Saturday. Must . . . do . . . asanas!!

I think I am having some detox symptoms today. I keep having memory smells. It's as if I think I am almost smelling a food. Sometimes pasta boiling, sometimes others. I don't really smell them and I am not having an olfactory hallucination. It's more like my nose is craving food scents if that's possible. It's strange. I was also hungry today for a little bit, but I think that's from taking a walk. If you exercise you have to up the lemonade. The other thing is I want to cook food. Anything. I keep running through lists of all the things I want to make. Strangely enough they are all mostly vegan which is good. I really want meat to become something occasional again. Except for maybe fish. I love fish. But I guess there is nothing wrong with being mostly pescetarian again.

Day Three (In Which Veronica Posts When She Feels Like It)

Last night I slept pretty well except for around 4:30 when I woke up to go pee. I couldn't really fall back to sleep and so I have been a little tired this morning. The Smooth Tea made me cramp pretty badly, so I think that might have played a part in my having a hard time falling back to sleep. The SWF was consumed at 6:16 and I had to go at 6:40 so that's pretty quick. Very yellow BMs this morning, which according to discussion is from bile. I had some solid in the first one but the remaining were watery, which is to be expected.

Still super cold this morning. But I did manage to do the dry skin brushing before my shower. I turned on the shower and did the brushing in the bathroom because it was at least a bit warmer in there. The shower felt amazing this morning, so nice and warm. I walked really fast to work and got here slightly earlier than usual. I was warm when I got here for about 10 minutes and then got chilled again. I heated up a cup of water and just wrapped my hands around it for a bit which helped a lot. I am contemplating a brisk walk on my lunch break to try and get the blood flowing, but it is COLD out there.

meh

When I weighed myself this morning I was at 136.6 yay 1.6 lbs gone. LOL. It's probably water!

Day Two (In Which Veronica is Cold)

So being the smart girl that I am, I brought today's SWF to bed with me last night. I only got up once and that was just to go pee. I slept the night away and then woke up when S's alarm went off the second time at 6:09 and did my SWF and then cuddled a bit before he had to get up and go to work. I decided to go use the restroom around 6:40 and the SWF was definitely more productive today. Some slightly solid BMs but a good deal of liquid too. So the cleansing starts in earnest.

I then went back to bed and wrote in my analog journal (I know, how archaic) for a bit and listened to a pod cast of two yoga teachers that I find really interesting and soothing. They are pretty entertaining in a yoga sorta way. Check them out here: http://www.mudramoments.com/. Then around 7:30 I got up to shower and such. I really want to add dry skin brushing to my morning routine, but I was too cold this morning. More eliminations of the primarily watery kinda and they stunk to high heaven. Egads I must have some toxic sludge up in there, LOL.

Packed up and headed to work and it was a cold cold walk. I just couldn't get warm even after I got to the office. I finally had a cup of mint tea around 3:00 to try and get a little warm but that only lasted a bit. A goodly amount of eliminations during the day. I got a little bored at one point but started reading online and distracted myself.

When I got home it was time to call my school. A little bit of background: I had been enrolled at the Australasian College of Health Sciences about a year and a half ago to get my diploma in Holistic Healthcare. Then some things happened in my life that I had to deal with and I had to drop out after only completing my certificate in Natural bodycare and herbalism; a very basic course. Basically I finished one course of the whole program and then dropped out. I am not proud of that. At all. But I also can't change it. There was simply too much crap in my life at that point and I wasn't in school for myself. I'm not sure what I was doing there. Things are much much different now. I am thrilled to be going back. I spoke to my admissions advisor and completed my interview and registration and should be starting class on March 16th.

I have to bone up on the material in the last course I took again, however, because I have to take proving exams for that course. That shouldn't be a big deal though and will kick start me back into school-mode.

I am still really cold. After I got off the phone with the school, S and I went and cuddled in our room under the blankets so I could perhaps warm up. It worked for a little bit, but alas I got cold again. Tonight was game night for S and the roommate and their friends, so around 8:30 everyone showed up and I went to go make my juice and clean the kitchen.

Now I am having my Smooth Move tea and am looking forward to curling up in bed with a book and dozing off. I am glad I use the Oil Cleansing Method (OCM) on my face because it involves super-hot water which might warm me back up.

I am super psyched about school because once I get my diploma and complete my yoga teacher training I can be a consultant and finally be doing what I want with my life. But for now, I will enjoy the journey to that point. Big sigh of relief all around.

Day One (In Which Veronica is Tired)

WARNING: THERE WILL BE TALK OF A SENSITIVE NATURE IN THIS BLOG SO IF YOU SQUICK EASILY IN THE FACE OF HUMAN BODILY FUNCTIONS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!


Ok so I really didn't sleep much last night at all. I woke up at 3:30 and that was it. I was up. No real reason why. I wasn't anxious or anything, I was just awake. Tired, but awake. I realized that I needed to plan my Salt Water Flush (SWF) better. I realized that I should have made it the night before in a bottle and brought it into bed with me. I figured I should do it right then, so I got up at 3:30 went to the bathroom (which I think is what woke me up in the first place) and then made the SWF. I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep but that didn't really happen too much.

When S's alarm clock went off at 6:18 (third snooze attempt) I drank my SWF. I tried to doze off after he left for work and managed it a little too well. I finally dragged my carcass out of bed around 7:20. I started the shower and sat on the toilet hoping for an elimination. Had a little one, but not nearly what a SWF should produce. I wasn't that surprised however, as I am sure I am packed with nasty because I have been eating absolute CRAP (no pun intended) for the last couple months as my weight will attest to. I weighed myself this morning before the shower and, ack 138.2 lbs. I have put on nearly 15 pounds since christmas. I am not doing this cleanse to purely lose weight, although I will. I would be happy to be at 130, but we will see where we get to.

I took a shower and packed up my lemonade and walked to work. The work day went by fairly quickly and uneventfully. I drank my lemonade and water like a good girl. Had a few eliminations throughout the day. Tomorrow will bring the ones that go with the SWF I am sure. Who would have ever thought I would be looking forward to having watery BMs??? But that's how you know you are starting to detox!!

S walked part of the way up to meet me on my way home from work and we basically ran teh rest of the way back to the house because it was freezing out and very windy. We snuggled for a bit on the couch and then I had to get ready for M's first yoga lesson. She came over at 6:30 and we went for about an hour. I think she did amazingly well for her first time ever. I think she is going to become a regular student which is exciting, even if I am not certified yet and I am basically just helping out a friend. After yoga was over S came upstairs and we sat and had tea and M got to have some of my yummy homemade bread with Nutella. I had some mint tea which is the only other thing besides laxitive tea, SWF, and the lemonade that is allowed on this cleanse. It was very warming which I needed as i don't get as warm when I am teaching as I do when I am actually doing yoga.

So now M has just left, it's about 8:30 and I have just enough energy left to make up my lemonade for tomorrow, drink my Smooth Move tea, and collapse into bed with S to hopefully get some sleep tonight!!

Changes . . .For the Better

For years and years I have been trying to figure out how to be happy. How to be the person that I am and want to be. For years and years I have failed to do that. I would quit smoking and drinking and eating poorly only to start again. Mostly because I was quitting out of either spite for someone I was with, or to distance myself from them. I have never actually moved towards health for myself. I have never actually done it because I wanted to or because it was right for me. I did it just because I thought I was supposed to and alack and alas it never worked.

This time is different. It's different all around. For the first time I am actually doing all these things for myself. I quit smoking and drinking for myself. I have the most amazing supportive man in the universe by my side. I finally have a drive in life. I want to help others be healthy naturally. I want to teach yoga. I am going back to school to get my Diploma in Holistic Health and I am also going to get certified to teach yoga.

First off, however, I need to push the giant reset button on my body. After drinking and smoking for so long and eating crap for the last few months, I am full of nasty evil toxins. So to get rid off all that and give my body/mind/spirit a clean slate, I am going to do the Master Cleanse for at least the recommended 10 days. I am starting this tomorrow. Well technically it starts tonight.

So knowing full well that I would not be eating anything for at least the next 10 days, I decided that I would eat "last meals" today. S and I went to the diner and I had Irish Benedict - Poached eggs and hollandaise on top of corned beef hash and english muffins with a side of hash browns and 2 cups of coffee with sugar and cream. Ugh - I was Ms. Bloatus Fatimus. Luckily I only ate about 1.5 of the benedicts and just about a quarter of the potatoes.

We then went to visit S's grandmother in the rehab facility she is in after injuring her leg. She was doing well. Apparantly we were too close to a really fancy grocery store though and S couldn't resist going there to get some things. So I may have slipped a box of Cheddar Scallion Cheese Sticks into the cart to eat on the ride home. I might have also snuck in a couple of Vermont Maple Honey Caramel chocolates for us as well. S got fixens for a tasty 'last supper' of sorts for us. He isn't doing this cleanse with me, but he is going to a diet of non-processed foods heavy in fruits and veggies, which is what I will be doing after I break fast. We also got a bunch of lemons for my cleanse.

It occurs to me that I ought to take a second to explain what this cleanse is all about. It was developed by Stanley Burroughs about 50 years ago as a way to conquer disease and help people get back to health. It consists of drinking a laxative tea each night, drinking what's called a salt water flush (2 tsp. of sea salt in 32 oz. of H2O to be the same specific gravity as the blood) every morning, and drinking 6-12 servings of lemonade throughout the day. Each serving of lemonade is made up of 2 Tbs. fresh-squeezed lemon juice, 2Tbs. grade B maple syrup, 1/10 tsp. cayenne pepper, and 8 oz. of water. To learn more you can google Master Cleanse or go to http://www.therawfoodsite.com/.

Back to the bad food . . . so we polished off the entire box of cheese sticks! OMG - YUM. S decided to make stir fried ginger steak with smoked gouda mashed potatoes and steamed greens. There was so much yummy food. He used a little over half the block of smoked gouda for the potatoes and we devoured the remaining cheese while he cooked. And then we ate. It was soooooo good. But I felt disgustingly fat afterwards. This cleanse cannot come at a better time.

I spent some time making up my lemonade for tomorrow. I made up a whole batch for work to make my life easier. So that's done. Now to drink my Smooth Move tea, relax with S, and go to bed. More tomorrow!