Oops, Missed a Day

I never got around to yoga Wednesday night. I was in a weird head space and feeling very bitchy and just wanted to sit with S. He picked me up on the way home which was nice. When we got home I made an avocado dip with an avocado that was about to go over, the juice of 1/2 a lemon, salt, chipoltle (see a theme in my food???), and scallions. S forgot to pick up some wholegrain chips, so we ended up eating the dip with ruffles potato chips. Okay so only sort of healthy there. Oh well. I guess I didn't feel so bad about the chips because someone at work sensed my bitchy PMSing mood and gave me a small chocolate croissant from the bakery across the street. Soooo good. But alas, not healthy. To try and redeem ourselves, S made a roast chicken smeared with Earth Balance mixed with herbs and garlic and I cut up beets, sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts and threw them in the pan with the chicken. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Yesterday I definitely ate waaaaaaay too much. I had two of my yummy muffins and an orange for breakfast. I then proceeded to snack on wasabi flavoured shrimp crackers until they brought lunch in. Lunch was from Panera bread. I had a plate of salad with one of their sourdough rolls and italian dressing, 1/2 a roast beef asiago sandwich with chips and a pickle, and then, 1 and 1/2 of their chocolate white chocolate chip cookies. Waaaaaayyyy too much already, right? I brought some of the leftover rolls home for S, and I had another one of those before we went to dinner with a cup of tea. Then we went to the Russian store in Allston. I didn't eat anything there, but we got some very very yummy treats. Then we went to Shabu Shabu Toki. We had the seafood. OMG so good and healthy, but I ate waayy too much. Then when we got home I had a cup of Anise tea for digestion and just had to try the black sesame seed cake from the Russian store. So good, but I was about dead after that. Just enough room to drink some prune juice for results in the morning.

I was in a bad head space again last night when going to bed. It's still hanging over me a bit this morning. I just don't feel right. I am having a hard time getting excited about anything. I wanted a cigarette most of the day yesterday and again today. I am really having a hard time maneuvering life with out my crutches from before. I don't plan on going back to them, of course, but I used alcohol and nicotine in so many situations for so long that I don't have any reference point on how to live and enjoy my life without them. I used to only get excited to hove a smoke or a drink. Now I am not sure what to get excited for or even how. I get excited to see S to a point, but then my head is so messed up right now I feel like I am not there which is terribly unfair to him and to me. I know I need to be patient with myself. I have been screwing with myself for the last 20 years. It's like I pushed myself under the rug for the last twenty years and now that I am out I have no idea what happened or how to deal with any of it. I think being let go from this position for awhile and having some time to myself will help a lot. I feel like I really need to think and heal and just be for a bit. School will be good, as will being home to cook and clean and organise. Maybe in those activities I can begin to sort out this head of mine. Starting to work out everyday will help a ton as well. Rawr.